i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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