saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
