oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
If I had your ass I would rule the world
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
