ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
