I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
