; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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