this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Randomize
