guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
