my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
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