Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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