Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
