You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Randomize
