wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
