she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
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