You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
It's official drugs can't kill me
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Randomize
