Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
