apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
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