im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Randomize
