can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
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