I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Randomize
