so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
