i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
