I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
