How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
