Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
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