i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
