I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Randomize
