MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Is this like a preordered booty call?
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Randomize