Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize