omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Randomize
