please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
