awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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