dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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