you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Randomize
