i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Randomize
