Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
My breasts were aching with rage.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
