Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
