I want to bang chis in dee ass burt he be hating on me times two. Me be tryin ti love onu
Bendover
help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
