Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Randomize
