8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Randomize
