I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I deserve this hangover.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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