I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
