He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
