i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
