You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
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