New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Randomize
