His pubic hair was longer than his dick
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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