One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Randomize
