His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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