I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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