I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Randomize
