dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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