I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
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