so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Randomize
