Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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