i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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