i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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