I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize