drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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