Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
