I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Randomize
