I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
It was confusing and full of hummus
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
