2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I think my nap took me to another dimension
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
