The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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