I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize