my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
