I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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